Why the Scranton Reality Anchor doesn't know what "Tango Down" means: An Essay
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A Scranton Reality Anchor, or — as individuals who are acquainted with them in any relationship of affection, be it amicable or romantic, sexual, or just weird — SRA, is a marvellous device: the fruit of the brilliant employment of engineering, and perhaps some general madness.

You might be asking, what is a Scranton Reality Anchor? What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, what the hell. And why does it fail so much? Why is it always exploding because of one reason or another? I can't comprehend it!

Well, my dear gullible curious reader, this document is the vehicle that your mind will drive towards the elucidation of all these questions! Maybe you'll crash that vehicle a few times. Maybe you won't even manage to start it because the minutia of driving it seems too eldritch for you to understand. Or maybe someone tinted the windows with black paint, and now you're driving it towards a pit, with no breaks, and no hope that somehow you'll manage to stop it. YOU NEED TO MAKE IT STOP!

This essay was written by a group of random enthusiasts savants with a great deal of knowledge on the very expensive Scranton Reality Anchors (that also consume quite the immense quantity of energy, depending on their model) so that you will not mishandle them.

What, did you think that there was only one type of Scranton Reality Anchor? Oh, boy, you're very wrong.

How does my Scranton Reality Anchor work?

Why, it's easy! A Scranton Reality Anchor keeps the Hume level of an area at an arbitrarily determined1 specific number — the standard in-universe value of reality, keeping it steady, cosy, and hospitable. Unless you're a FILTHY REALITY BENDER2. Then, it turns the area into an absolute dreadful hell where you cannot use any of your ridiculous abilities to fuck around like the easy-bake oven you are.

That's right, SRAs work hard to keep you insulated at a cosy Hume level at all times. Sometimes you need just one anchor. Sometimes you need twenty anchors. And sometimes you need to run really fast and pray that your trusty anchor will buy you enough time to take the easy way out. Of course, by "taking the easy way out" I mean taking shelter in one of our top-of-the-line Safe Zones that are each equipped with their very own Scranton Reality Anchor34.

Think of reality as a field. Hidden beneath all that dirt sits a very precious treasure. Next, think of a Reality Bender as a guy with a shovel. Then, think of a Scranton Reality Anchor as another guy with another shovel, but he's cool. Yeah, that's right, he wears cool shades! Did you picture that? Really? Great effort! Stunning imagination.

Now, the Reality Bender tries to dig through your field's layers to steal that precious treasure. But thanks to the extraordinary work of Foundation engineering™, your Scranton Reality Anchor will take the dirt the Reality Bender dug and throw it right back in to close the hole again, hindering his effort and preventing him from stealing your treasure.

Neat, right? It keeps reality nice and flat so that the treasure can't be taken!

Sometimes the treasure is something simple, like a cookie jar. Sometimes it means the death of several people close to you in the most gruesome manner possible (like a portal to an ungodly dimension of torment). And other times, it's the end of the universe, more or less.


In case you had problems picturing it, here's the metaphor.

Your Scranton Reality Anchor will keep you nice and protected or die trying. The SRA is super-nice, different from most of your friends — that I bet, I really bet, and if I lose this bet, I swear to you that you can spank my ass and call me Suzie, god damn it, I swear to my mom — who would run away at the first sight of the universe decaying around you. Yes, the SRA is a solemn promise of righteous vigil and protection.

Now, sometimes the Reality Bender uses deep foundation excavation machinery instead of a shovel. Sometimes they're cheating by using explosives to dig really fast towards the treasure. Or maybe some idiot forgot to plug the god damned Scranton Reality Anchor in the god damned outlet. It so happens that sometimes, this can't be helped.

In the event that a Reality Bender cheats, you may configure your Scranton Reality Anchor to other Hume levels! Maybe you needed that extra punch for your party.

Why does my Scranton Reality Anchor fail?

That's a great question. Normally they fail because of Researcher Paul, but we'll get to Paul later. Paul doesn't deserve our attention yet.

Scranton Reality Anchors can be compared to processors: the more tasks it has to do, the hotter it gets. If it needs to take care of a heavy program, it'll be slower, suffer more stress, heat up (despite its amazing cooling functions, capable of reaching -30ºC!), and in extreme cases, present you with a blue screen of death. That's a gentler way of saying that it'll malfunction.

In the case of an SRA, sometimes the Reality Bender digs too fast or too deep for your Scranton Reality Anchor to deal with.

As your field of reality suffers damage due to Reality Bender shenanigans, your Scranton Reality Anchor becomes more concerned and tries to correct the damage ASAP! That's when they explode.

While a spectacular wonder of engineering ingenuity, the Scranton Reality Anchor is, like all others, a machine prone to malfunction and failure. But fret not: most anchors have built-in sensors that will shut them down whenever they reach a peak in stress. It's too bad that most of them explode before the sensors can even trigger because Reality Benders have no concept nor need for courtesy nowadays.

The interim before Scranton Reality Anchor explosion (when its lights flash faster than in a nightclub) is called the Running Period. This is eponymous, mind you: it is the time when you should run away as fast as you can, not because of the explosion — which is not a Hollywoodian explosion of the Michael Bay variety — but because SRAs actually implode, with an audible pop and a lot of smoke, frying on the spot. As it stands, an SRA "explosion" is a misnomer, and the thing you should run from is the effects an SRA will have on reality after it goes off.

Note: SRAs require 50 kW to operate, with 400V/125A plugs for the most efficient energy input. So you can't just plug it into any old wall outlet. You'll fry all the fuses at your disposal and cause major structural damage!

Paul hasn't paid for all the damage he's caused yet…

What should I feed my Scranton Reality Anchor?

Humes, of course! They love Humes! Do not mistake Humes with HUMANS. These are entirely different things, and one has subpar nutritional values. [REDACTED] would love to tell you about what happens when you feed humans to a Scranton Reality Anchor but he is still being disciplined because he just couldn't read something correctly for once.

Also: do not put HUMMUS on the Scranton Reality Anchor. Okay, Rashid? They don't eat any of that vegan crap you like. Smearing it on an SRA is bound to cause major failure in the internal components of the device.

"I don't bloody well care if you're vegan, Rashid. You do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put flippin' HUMMUS on a reality anchor!"

Someone with common sense.

Also: no, they do not eat hums either, and any attempt to hum to a Scranton Reality Anchor will be disregarded as it provides no nutritional value and is, thus, not a proper means of nourishment.

How to use a Scranton Reality Anchor properly

  1. Plug it into the correct outlet.
    1. Verify all the cables, benjamins, and adapters.
    2. Do not bend, knot, step over, or do anything that doesn't involve taking splendid care of the energy cables of your Scranton Reality Anchor.
  2. Wait for the energy lamp (that should be white) to glow.
    1. If it is not white, tap it until it becomes white.
    2. If it does not become white, and instead becomes red, turn your Scranton Reality Anchor off.
    3. If it does not become white, or red, you're probably not using an official Scranton Reality Anchor. SHAME ON YOU!
  3. Turn it on by pressing the "ON" button for approximately five seconds.
    1. The "ON" button is the GREEN-coloured one. If you see a BLUE-coloured button, then press that one instead. If none of the buttons display any colours, you're either an animal that can't see a few spectra of light or your Scranton Reality Anchor is part of the special 1985 Collector's Edition.
    2. If the "ON" button does not work, use the Common Leverage Internal Pressure (CLIP) object to reset your Scranton Reality Anchor to default configurations.
    3. TROUBLESHOOTING: If your Scranton Reality Anchor seems to be malfunctioning, try turning it off and on repeatedly until the light flickers, indicating the possibility that you are frying the internal components of your Scranton Reality Anchor. If that's the case, stop, wait for at least ten minutes, and try again.
    4. WARNING: Don't put food or anything that has an uncanny resemblance to food on your Scranton Reality Anchor if you're going to turn it on.
  4. Do not let Researcher Paul anywhere NEAR your Scranton Reality Anchor.
  5. Profit!
  6. TROUBLESHOOTING: If the Reality Bender is still bending, use the gauge to add more Hume to your Scranton Reality Anchor.
    1. "The bender still bends?" is not a valid question! The real question is: "Will it bend?".
    2. The bender doesn't bend? Nor does it move? Anything, anymore, anywhen, anyhow else aren't moving, either? Not even the air? The air feels solid? Maybe a little less Hume will do the trick!
  7. WARNING: Keep liquids away from your Scranton Reality Anchor. Store your Scranton Reality Anchor well out of children's reach. Do not expose your Scranton Reality Anchor to excessive heat or cold. Do not place items on your Scranton Reality Anchor.
  8. WARNING: Scranton Reality Anchors do not stop highly destructive lizards; do not try this or your Scranton Reality Anchor's warranty will be revoked.

What a Scranton Reality Anchor is, what a Scranton Reality Anchor is not, and other trivial questions about Scranton Reality Anchors

  1. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS a device that regulates Humes.
  2. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS NOT a pretty apparatus to show to all your friends.
    1. In fact, they'll receive amnestic treatment if they aren't Foundation personnel.
  3. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS a very dangerous device when used improperly.
  4. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS NOT an actual anchor, nor does it have the shape, resemblance, or format that would remind you of an anchor.
    1. It is, in fact, a cube.
    2. Also, do not throw your SRA overboard, please. They are bloody expensive, didn't you read?!
      1. Especially if the cable is still plugged in, that will burn all the fuses!
      2. "Can I put it my bathtub though? It's much smaller than the ocean."
        1. NO!
        2. "Goddammit! Who the hell let Paul in here?!"
  5. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS NOT a device to stop party magicians from performing magic tricks.
    1. In the event that the SRA does stop the magician, contact a Mobile Task Force immediately so the Reality Bender can be contained.
  6. The Scranton Reality Anchor IS NOT a device to use to make your nail polish or hair gel harden faster when set to high values.
    1. You also cannot time-travel with your SRA. Stop trying.
      1. If you do manage to time-travel with your SRA, contact the Foundation immediately so you can be rewarded handsomely.
      2. No, this is not a joke about Keter Duty, god damn it! How the hell did you just use your Scranton Reality Anchor to TIME FUCKING TRAVEL?!
  7. The SRA is definitely not edible, come on guys!
  8. The SRAs are not expendable; nor are the D-classes, stop throwing them at your problems.
  9. The SRA is not communism, nor does it have any political, social, or economic affiliation.
  10. The SRA is not a brain-washing device.
    1. Except during the right circumstances.
  11. Dr. Grom's Advice: It is a device. It has fuses. Please keep that in mind when you're handling an SRA.
  12. The SRA is not a device to heat up your bathwater/swimming pool. Although it gets hot, it is not fully waterproof, and when it pops, molten beryllium bronze will mix with your water.
  13. The SRA is built with components that present heavy metals in their composition, dispose of it correctly!
    1. That means you can't sell it to metal salvagers!
  14. If your SRA blew up and you don't see any Reality Benders around, please lay down in a fetal position, and try your best to blend in with the environment.
  15. If you do see Reality Benders, well, you're probably fucked then.
  16. If your SRA suddenly attained self-awareness, pray that it is not a malevolent AI.
  17. Do not use your SRA to download things into the Cloud, god damn it.
    1. That also means that you should not download porn from dubious sites again!
  18. Do not link your SRA to Alexa/Cortana/Siri or anything related.
    1. No, your SRA cannot play Despacito when it is "so sad".
  19. Just because your SRA is not self-aware it does not mean it has no feelings! Don't insult, provoke, violate, or display disaffection towards your SRA.
  20. SRAs don't like Researcher Paul. Or anyone named Paul. Pauls are not sanctioned to receive personal SRAs.
    1. Pauls are banned from the vicinity of all SRAs.
  21. Setting your SRA to increase ambient unreality in your bedroom will not enhance your sexual experience.
  22. If your SRA fell into your eyes, wash them out with abundant water.
    1. Depending on how big you deem SRAs to be, having them falling onto or into you is not a good idea at all.
  23. If you ingest your SRA, please relocate yourself to the nearest drain. It makes cleaning easier.
  24. Keep pets and babies away from your SRA cords.
  25. Do not disassemble your SRA!
  26. No, SRA does not stand for SUPER RADICAL ANCHOR, and you cannot use one to bend reality yourself.
  27. No, they are not audio devices, buy a stereo.
  28. Do not drive your SRA outside of sanctioned SRA-Driving areas, or Bikeways.
  29. SRAs are sensitive and enjoy compliments but do not respond to any of their sexual or romantic advances.
  30. If your SRA attempts to communicate with you, consult both your local technician and psychiatrist.
  31. Do not feed your SRA after midnight.
  32. SRAs don't care about your problems or life choices, in fact, their lifespan is decreased by ~30% whenever someone complains next to them.
  33. SRAs were not developed by the Nazis, god damn it.
    1. SRAs were not developed by the Fascists either!
    2. SRAs were not developed by the Communists, STOP.
  34. SRAs will not blend.
  35. SRAs will win versus a 100ºC knife.
  36. Do not use two SRAs against each other and make a YouTube video of it.
    1. YouTube is not going to exist after that anyway. Nor you.
  37. Yes, SRAs heat up while activated. No, you cannot use them to fry eggs or anything for that matter.
  38. Do not use your SRA's cooling system to cool anything that isn't the components of your SRA.
    1. No, not even for Oktoberfest.
  39. No, your SRA may not be tuned to the "Fifth world". The technicians don't even know what that means.
  40. If Xyank asks to collaborate on the [DATA EXPUNGED] again, tell him to go fuck himself.
    1. Researcher Note: Wrong list, Robert, this is for the anchors. Also, fuck you too.
  41. No, your SRA may not be used to contain Researcher Paul. It's not because it's against the rules (which it's not); it's because his reality operates on a different system entirely. And yes, we tried it.
    1. If your question is about "Researcher Paul", the answer is already no. Unless the Overseers grant us more funding. Then it's maybe.
  42. If, under any circumstance, your reality does not display the meaning of life as "42", then your SRA cannot help you.
  43. No, your SRA will not contain any SCPs classified as "Hiemal". The technicians tried that, and it became even worse.
  44. No, your SRA will not contain any SCPs classified as "Archon". The technicians tried that, and everything became even worse.
  45. No, your SRA may not be used to contain any Selachian entities. Yes, punching works.
  46. SRAs are not allowed to be used to contain Dr. Bright.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to an SRA.
  47. No, Herman Fuller cannot shove an SRA up his ass.
  48. Yes, your personal SRA may be used to reveal antimemetic anomalies. No, your SRA may not be used on a "dank antimeme". The technicians don't even want to know what that is.
  49. Do not under any circumstances ask your SRA about bees. Not even TALL bees. Do not ask your SRA "what if people were bees?", because they're not. Do not ask your SRA how many eggs Sean Connery can oviposit daily. If you notice your colleague asking your SRA about bees, you are advised to use your personal SRA to contain them.
  50. Your SRA does not grant you a secret Foundation level or a secret character in old video games.
    1. But it does enable new cheat codes for the Foundation Mobile Game.
      1. That company strictly forbids the use of SRAs as emulator devices.
  51. Your SRA has no purple button labeled "PROFESSIONAL MODE".
    1. If your SRA has one, don't press it; if you pressed it, do not enter inside your SRA.
  52. SRAs do not reproduce sexually, nor do they have any sexual organs of the primary, secondary or tertiary kind.
    1. SRAs are immune to the Rule thirty-four of the Internet.
    2. SRAs are not sexy devils, succubi, sexual deviants or "a bunch of [EXPLETIVE] that likes to [EXPLETIVE] whenever possible"; or any iteration of the kind.
    3. The instructions for the use of SRAs are absolutely not hard enough to render your genitalia immobilized inside the device.
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