SporArain

This is an SCP from a few years ago that is still the featured SCP on the Chinese Wikidot. I personally found it hillarious, but it is a bit dated.

Item #: SCP-CN-675

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-CN-675 is to be kept in a specially made radioactive confinement chamber in the artifact containment area of Site-CN-25. Experiments on the subject must be approved by Level 3 Personnel.

Due to the difficulty in moving the subject, experiments pertaining to the subject are to be conducted directly. Hazmat suits are required to enter the experiment area, and the containment room must be evacuated with the containment door sealed upon 3 hours and 1 minute after device activation. In order to prevent the subject from causing further damage, experiments pertaining to the subject have been terminated since ██/██/2014.

Description: SCP-CN-675 is a device composed of a golden-plated pipe which twists into complex shapes, splitting off and rejoining itself at multiple points, with a ground area of 5mx5m and a height of 3m. The diameter of the pipe at its maximum is recorded to be 100mm, the minimum 20mm. Tests on the subject suggest that it dates to over 500 years ago.

A stone tablet is installed in the center front of the device, where the information on the properties of the device and how to operate it has been carved. The selected contents translated from Classical Chinese are as below:

“The Great Kyet Khaewt Magical Instrument, is one of the great alchemical instruments of the Guiyang sect. This instrument towers above, its shape intricate, and thus named the “Great Gye Khaewt” … Extract a gourd of water and place it within the mouth of the Golden Dragon, the body of the instrument will emit heat warmth like the body of a man. With a small wait, the Golden Toad's mouth will yield the strange elixir. There is nothing more alien than this elixir, wrapped in a cicada shell, stripped and the elixir appears. The elixir is like a slab of ink, its length not enough for one chi (approximately 30 cm), its width three cun (one cun approximately 3 cm), its whole body brown-black, the six corners sharp and distinguished. The cicada shell is tasteless, and unbreakable through chewing, the elixir body tastes sweet, the outside soft and the inside textured, upon eating the spirit is invigorated, and [incomprehensible] …”

The bottom-right corner of the tablet has been carved with the words “Temporarily out-of-order”.

The start and end of the pipe are located at the top and bottom of the stone tablet respectively, the upper entrance designed in the shape of a dragon's mouth tilting upwards at 45 degrees, the bottom mouth designed in the shape of the mouth of a toad tilting downwards 45 degrees, the two openings clearly being the “Golden Dragon” and “Golden Toad” described on the stone tablet, the entrance and exit. Due to the interweaving structure of the subject, the greater portion of the subject's internal composition cannot be observed from the outside. Attempts to observe the interior through reflective mirrors and electronic devices yield only a photo of former U.S. president Franklin Roosevelt. The reason for this appearance is unknown.

Through experimentation, research staff have determined that pouring approximately 0.6 L of liquid water into the entrance is enough to cause SCP-CN-675 to activate. Upon activation, the temperature of the surface of the subject will rise to approximately 37 degrees. While the subject is operating, research personnel have noticed certain anomalies that repeat in every experiment with fixed times of occurring. See Table 1 below.1

Operation Time (Hour:Minute) Effect Note
00:10~00:15 Pipe walls secrete liquid determined to be malted milk. A portion of present personnel report hallucinations of hazy images manifesting mid-air. Recorded instances include seeing the Milky Way, a China Construction Bank building2, the front gate of the Yihe Garden, and a box of “Red Tower Mountain” cigarettes.
00:52~01:20 The temperature of pipe walls rises to 62 degrees. Afterward the temperature returns to 37 degrees.
02:16~02:28 Music emits from the pipe at the south-west corner of the device. Confirmed to be “Just The Way You Are” as preformed by singer Bruno Mars.
02:40~02:55 An unidentified female voice repeatedly murmurs “peanuts, caramel, peanuts, caramel” from the pipe's south-east corner. The voice will occasionally change to “sichuan pepper, table salt”.
03:01~04:21 Low doses of gamma rays emit from the entire device.
04:30~04:32 An unidentified male voice reads the novel “A Princess of Mars” from the center of the device.
04:53~04:59 The outer walls of the device slowly turn blue, before returning to the original color. A few white English letters appear on the outer pipe walls in random locations before disappearing.

After the subject has operated for 5 hours 2 minutes and 22 seconds, an instance of SCP-CN-675-1, the “elixir” mentioned in the stone tablet”, will fall from the exit of the device.

SCP-CN-675-1 appears from the packaging wrapper to be a “Kit-Kat” chocolate bar produced by Nestlé S.A., the production date always marked “2010/1/1”. The packaging wrapper is identical with the product produced by Nestlé during this time period. SCP-CN-675-1 within the wrapper is indistinguishable from normal “Kit-Kat” chocolate in both composition and taste, the only difference being an imprint bearing the words “HERSHEY'S” on the subject corresponding to the “Hershey's” milk chocolate product.

According to intelligence gathering from the “Guiyang sect”, if SCP-CN-675 were to operate without error, the final product of SCP-CN-675-1 should be a Kit-Kat chocolate bar with normal packaging and appearance, but twice the size as a normal Kit-Kat chocolate with the production date reading “2008/12/31”. Due to relevant text on the stone tablet being illegible and the lack of related intelligence, it is currently unknown what the effects of ingesting a “normal” SCP-CN-675-1” would be.

The subject was recovered on 1980/02/12, discovered in a mountain cave after event CN-███-2. Upon inspection, researchers determined that the subject had not been activated in at least 100 years.

According to personnel within the “Guiyang sect”, the “Guiyang sect” has no current plans of recovering SCP-CN-675.

Investigations regarding the relationship between the “Guiyang Sect”, Nestlé S.A., and the Rowntree confectionery company have yielded no valuable leads.

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