Tim Miller's Sandbox
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SCP-055-DE-J. AWESOME!.

Item #: SCP-055-DE-J

Classification: SUUUUUUPPPEEEERRRAAAWWWEEESOOOMMEEEE
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Special Containment Procedures SCP-055-DE-J IS TO BE MADE AVAILABLE TO EVERYOOOOOONE IN THE CANTEEN AT SITE-DE19! THATS HOW GOOD THIS STUFF TASTES! BECAUSE OF MINOR PROPERTY DAMAGE AND NOISE COMPLAINTS MADE BY PANSIES NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TALK ABOOOOUUUUT SCP-055-DE-J. THE ENTIRETY OF SCP-055-DE-J IS ALSO NEVER TO BE USED COMPLETELY AT OOOOOOONCE!!

Description: SCP-055-DE-J IS THE MOST AWESOME PIECE OF HAM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! HALF A METER LONG, QUARTER IN WIDTH AND TEN CENTIMETERS THICK, THAT'S ABOUT 12,500 CUBICCENTIMETERS PURE EXCELLENCE WITH A WEIGHT OF 5 KILOGRAAAAAAMS!
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THIS MASTERPIECE OF BUTCHERY CAN BE EATEN BY HUMANS WITHOUT A PROBLEM, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE GEEKS FROM THE TOXICOLOGY SAY! IT DOESN'T ROT EITHER AND YOU CAN STUFF AS MUCH IN YOUR MOUTH AS YOU WANT, THE AWESOME STUFF JUST GROWS RIGHT BACK! OH YEAH!
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OTHER FOUNDATION ARTICLES ARE TRYING TO HOAX YOU WITH DRY NERD-SPEECH? SCP-055-DE-J CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED IN ONE WAY, THE RIGHT ONE! EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO REPORT SCP-055-DE-J'S AWESOMENESS DOES THAT AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE, AS BADASS AS POSSIBLE, AND WITH A VOICE THAT SOUNDS AS MANLY AS POSSIBLE. YES, EVEN WOMEN! EVEN PRINTED MATTER ISN'T SAVE. THE SAME SICK ASS CHOICE OF WORDS AND EVERYTHING IS IN CAPTIAL LETTEEEEEEERS! AND WITH EXCLAMATION MAAAAAAARKS!
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THE SUPERSECRET MEETING IN THIS CONTAINER WAS SUPER LAME UNTIL SOMEONE STARTED TALKING ABOUT SCP-055-DE-J! THEN IT BECAME SUPER BOMBASTIIIIIIIIIIIC!

IF ONE DESCRIBES THE GLORY OF SCP-055-DE-J, RAD EXPLOSIONS OCCUR SPONTANEOUSLY NEAR THE PERSON DESCRIBING IT! JUST LIKE THAT! NOBODY EVEN KNOWS HOW IT HAPPENS BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY! SCP-055-DE-J EXPLOSIONS ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!

Uhm, a moment please…

One sec…

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THERE WE GO!

NO IDEA WHAT ANIMAL SCP-055-DE-J IS MADE OFF, THOSE EGGHEADS AT THE GENETIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT HAVE NO CLUE! BUT EVERYONE IN THE FOUNDATION CAN AGREE THAT WHATEVER ANIMAL THAT WAS, IT HAD TO BE PRETTY BADASS IF IT TASTES THAT NEAT! THE REAL HARD BOYS AND GIRLS EAT SCP-055-DE-J RAW, BUT THE PUSSIES CAN EAT IT HOWEVER THEY WANT! TASTS GREAT ALSO, BUT NOT INCREDIBLE! THE ONLY EXCEPTION ARE VEGTABLES, YOU LAY 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR SANDWICH WITH SCP-055-DE-J AND YOU GET AN EXPLOSION RIGHT IN YOUR DAMN FACE! WE BELIEVE THAT'S BECAUSE SCP-055-DE-J TASTES SIMPLY LIKE SHIT WHEN TOGETHER WITH VEGTABLEEEEEEEES!
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Addenum 055-J-1: SEVERAL PERSONS WERE ASKED TO EAT SCP-055-DE-J. THESE ARE THEIR REACTIONS:

THIS. IS. DELICIOOOUUUUS! - Agent Straub

THIS STUFF IS SO GREAT, I THINK I JUST GREW ADDITIONAL CHEST HAAAAIIIR! - Dr Joch

ALL WORSHIP THE HAM! - Agent von Dorff

I think this ham is pretty okay. - Dr. See

DR. SEE IS CURRENTLY BEING TESTED ON ANY ANOMALIES, AS HE DIDN'T WORSHIP SCP-055-DE-J ENOUUUUUGH!

Addenum 055-J-2: SCP-055-DE-J ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE EATEN AS A WHOLE AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE THEN IT WOULDN'T REGENERATE PROOOOPERLYYYYYYY! WE ALSO BELIEVE THAT WHEN SCP-055-DE-J IS DESTROYED AN EPICNESS-VACUUM IS CREATED WHICH WOULD DESTORY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! WOOOOOOUUUUUHH!
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Addenum 055-J-3: WE ALSO WANTED TO TEST SCP-055-DE-J'S GREATNESS ON OTHER SCPS, SO HERE WE GO:

USED SCP WHAT HAPPENEEEEED!
SCP-020-DE AFTER SCP-020-DE DEVOURED SCP-055-DE-J IT WRAPPED ITSELF IN MIST! WHEN THE MIST DISAPEARED THE THING HAD A MANLY LOOKIN' CHIN AND ALWAYS SAID "I'll be back" BEFORE FILLING ITSELF AGAIN!
SCP-038-DE THE TESTSUBJECT WAS GIVEN 20 MILLILITERS OF SCP-038-DE AND WAS TOLD TO EAT SCP-055-DE-J TILL HE HAD ENOUGH. BUT BITCH PLEASE, WHO EVER HAS ENOUGH OF SCP-055-DE-J?
SCP-058-DE SCP-055-DE-J WAS GIVEN TO 15 ZOMBIES! THEY IMMEDIATLY STOOD UP AND STARTED DANCING THRILLER BY MICHAEL JACKSON! NO CLUE WHERE THE MUSIC CAME FROM!
SCP-067-DE IT WAS GIVEN TO SCP-067-DE-A-121! NOW IT SHOOTS SOMETHING BETTER THAN LASERS OUT OF IT'S EYES, AND THAT'S MOTORCYCLES!
SCP-077-DE STARTED PUKING OUT A RAINBOW AFTER EATING IT!
SCP-092-DE AFTER DEVOURING IT, SCP-092-DE STARTED GROWLING AND SEEMED TO GROW AN ULTRACOOL MANLY BEARD ONLY PER MERE WILL POWER. THE BEARD CANNOT BE SHAVED OFF BY A NORMAL SHAVER AND HAS TO SHAVED BY EITHER SCP-092-DE-01 OR SCP-092-DE-02!
SCP-097-DE AFTER SCP-097-DE-02 MUNCHED SCP-055-DE-J IT STARTED PUKING OUT AN E-GUITAR AND A SPEAKER AND STARTD PLAYING AN EPIC METAL RIFF! EVERYONE THAT WAS PRESENT GOT NECKLACE RIPS AND CONCUSSIONS BECAUSE OF THE INTENSE HEADBANGING!

WAS THIS TEST EVEN NECESSARY?

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BUT THEY WERE

ABSOLUTY EPIC!

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